Monday, May 14, 2018

Thinking out loud..

Sometimes I come back to my blog after a break, a couple of weeks or a month, and I feel like, "Hey, do I know you?" It's the exact same feeling when you are fighting with your husband who you have known for a decade now. True, right? :-)

These days, I often go back and read my old posts and think about the time when I was active and wrote often and had an opinion abut everything, including parenting. Now, with my 4-year old who is oh-so-headstrong and opinionated and questions with a "why" on almost everything she is told to do, I am at a loss. I am no longer sure of anything. I am always second guessing my decisions. I try to be patient and answer all her questions so as not to just make her obey orders, and yet sometimes, the questions are never ending and I am forced to shout "Do it because I told you so". And thereafter the guilt trip starts...

Some days, she would be my little girl, sweet, and obedient. And just when I have let my guard down thinking, I finally have a grip on this thing called "parenting", she brings out all her secret moves. Crying, moping, giving me a silent treatment (yes, at 4!) and being a total nuisance about EVERYTHING. And what do I do? Move away from her even though what I really want is to give in and see her smile. And thereafter the guilt trip starts...

I am all about balance. My priorities lie half way between "being at the top of your class" to "not knowing a thing" and "Never hit the child" to "Spare the rod, spoil the child". So I just nag her enough to do a little bit of reading and writing everyday and letting her play the rest of the time. And sometimes, when the whining and crying while lying on the floor of the grocery store go out of hand, she does get a nice whack from me. And then she says, "you don't love me". Thereafter, the guilt trip starts...


And then, at the library, a lady asked me if I was planning to have a second because "she is so cute, and obviously wants a sibling". I have learnt to deal with this incessant question. I say a firm NO because "she is more than two handfuls". But what I really want to say is, "Hey you! Do you know I had a 16hour+ labor to bring her into this world? And without an epidural, mind you. And then she just wouldn't sleep the whole night for the next 1.5 years. And then we had to potty train her, get her off her pacifiers and feeding bottles. And then by that time, she was cool enough to ask endless questions. And sometimes, I have to shout at her and whack her because she needs to become a good person. I am already on a never ending guilt trip. You think I want to add to that??!!"

But, of course, I don't say this because people would think I am crazy. More importantly, a crazy mother.
On that note, Happy Mothers' Day! Or may be, "Happy Guilty Person's Day" ;-)

Picture courtesy: Google

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